It's not a good idea to be in the Dwight Howard Destination Prognostication business. You can and will go broke quick there.
No, what we here at Peachtree Hoops want to do is offer a service, a service to athletes that have woefully damaged their reputation and, in a matter of a single year, crumbled up and thrown away years of image-crafting.
We're the fixers, the people that can help you, the star athlete, when you are at your lowest point, when you taken an earth mover and dug a hole so deep that all you can hope for are some ill-conceived signage, dirty looks and boo birds when you enter any area in 2012-2013.
For our first (and maybe only) client, we reach out to Dwight Howard.
Mr. Howard, you have taken a flame thrower and burnt down your image and home in Orlando. You've made Shaq seem like the good wife there now. Gone are the magical two days when you opted in and seemed to save your image in Orlando and now you gone beyond boo-level there -- you may not be allowed to enter the Amway Center again.
But it's not just Orlando anymore -- the entire NBA has tired of your act, except for Brooklyn of course, where you've pledged that they're the only ones for you. Of course, they are a little irked that you blew it by opting-in when you tried to spare your image in March and thus given up any leverage to make a Brooklyn move happen.
Los Angeles thinks you're too timid to literally follow in Shaq's footsteps, Houston doesn't believe you'll every stay and you'll end up gutting their team, Dallas is hopeful but in actuality they, like everyone else in the NBA are just tired of hearing your name and want this whole process to be done.
You don't like being a villian, therefore the opt-in in March, and yet you are poised to be reviled wherever you end up due to the extreme Howard-fatigue that exists now and the ham-handed way you've handled the entire process for a year now.
You've got people out there saying that LeBron handled "The Decision" better that you're handling this move.
So what do you do? What can you do?
This is where we come in -- let's us help you to point the way down the one path that can nationally repair your reputation and make it all better for years to come.
First, you need a place where you can blend in and still be revered. A place where the spotlight is on you, but never to bright as to expose you nationally or bother you locally.
Second, you need a good storyline, something that the public gobbles up and immediately buys you all the credit back and steamrolls over the past 12 months of badwill.
Thirdly, you need a place where you can have fun -- you know what I'm talking about. A place where you can easily cash in on your superstardom. Bomani Jones, in his latest Bomani and Jones video, says you need to be in a city that you can get some parking lot pimpin on.
Where can you get all of these things? Glad you came to us.
The answer is easy: Come home to Atlanta.
Atlanta provides all of the above, starting with a place that you can be a star and still easy blend in. Atlanta is full of athletes that crawl all over the city and have a good time. You know what I am talking about.
You would be revered for choosing your home town, appreciated for blessing the city with your choice and never bothered about pesky things like championships. Ask Dominique Wilkins if he has to explain his playoff record or is he still thought of as the greatest Atlanta athlete ever?
(Answer: Everyone in Atlanta, myself included, loves Dominique. 99% approval rating. The only dissenter is the one Dominique famously "handled" when he tried to register his dissent in person. Bad idea, dude. Very bad idea.)
And nationally, the public and media will totally eat up the whole, "I am coming home" angle to the story. All is forgiven when it looks like you choose your hometown over every other city folks thought you would go to. Turning down L.A. and New York for Atlanta? Brilliant underdogalism.
It's a fantastic storyline to come home to a franchise that has never experienced any kind of success and try to lift them higher. And, should you actually help do that? Immortality for just passing the second round the playoffs. Talk about a low bar to clear, huh?
Atlanta is a star driven city, and you would be the biggest star without the baggage you would get in the other cities because of it. Heck, Michael Vick was Ron Mexico for years in the ATL and inspired only silly giggles rather than tabloid-like coverage you would get elsewhere.
The ATL knows how to party. And you know this, man. You want to get some parking lot pimpin' on, like Bomani suggets? ATL, shawty. JD says it: "Welcome to Atlanta where the players play." JD knows the truth.
Your boys, Josh Smith and Anthony Morrow, already have lockers there, with Lou Williams coming back also. Hometown rising, you know?
Lastly, you can do all of this without the pressure of local media, who have never done anything like you would get in L.A. or New York. One paper, basic TV coverage, two sports talk stations = No pressure. You see it, Dwight, it's easy street.
You make this move and you can set fire to this past year of bad publicity and image crashing and get back into the business of being Superman, laughing and sliding back into that "Gee, Whiz -- This is fun being me" that you had a blast doing earlier in your career. You're back to being loved, not reviled. It's the Anti-Decision.
You like that? Not surprised. No, don't thank us. That's what we do.
Come on home.